With much excitement and a little fear and trembling, I pre-released my first self-published book this Christmas to my biggest fans, potentially toughest critics, and the subjects of my collection of essays, my extended family. As a student in the 1970's I read an inspirational book in which missionaries to New Guinea made inroads with local people culturally by analogizing the gospel story of Christ with the custom of suspending hostilities through the exchange of a "peace child." One tribe would send one of their innocents into a warring tribe to be held at their mercy, thus connecting them with bonds of trust. Publishing my perspectives on family stories, treasures and traditions felt a little like an exchange in good faith of beloved children- their memories, triumphs and sore spots were given flesh and birthed by my creative efforts, and I was hoping for a successful adoption wherein we might both escape a traumatic death of the good will between us!
While I did manage to offend on one point for which I accept the grace extended, all in all the book has been received enthusiastically by those who inspired it, and I am very grateful. I realize that praise from family is sort of a given and understand that their eye toward me is familiar and uncritical, but I do not believe that makes their praise any less nurturing. While the project was completed mainly as a gift for aunts and uncles, they ended up purchasing many copies as Christmas gifts for their children and grandchildren, and I am honored that my reflections have become part of a shared experience. My cousin Dan observed to me that it was one of the first times he has seen his young nieces and nephews put down their cell phones for any amount of time-- they were engrossed with stories of their Grandpa Howard's youth and of the great grandparents they never knew. How much more wonderful if they could hear these stories from Grandpa's own lips, wonder, question, and see him grow larger than life, face to face, in conversation? I hope it is not a dying art. In my introduction I set a premise that I hope catches on with other families-- a premise that seems to have fallen out of favor for so long in our "youth" culture but which I believe could bring perspective, joy and even healing to so many in a disconnected generation that lives by proxy instead of forming meaningful human connections. My premise- our elders aren't outdated and irrelevant just because they disdain twitter or have trouble with the remote. They are treasures in earthen vessels, people who, whether tough or tender, have experienced victories and losses, learned to survive pain and loss, discovered things that are worth our time and pursuit, and things that are not. They have stories to share that may possibly become our own. Mistakes we could avoid. Values that are tested.
So many people are motivated lately to know their distant past through genetic tests for nationality and race. I get that, but why not go a step further? Get past the names and dates, and learn your people! Learn about their experiences and their feelings and the lessons they internalized, which are part of your heritage.
We're all guilty of checking out, walling off, and taking people for granted. Interaction can be messy, tiring and downright painful sometimes. But it can also be awe-inspiring and life affirming. Of course I hope that readers find my book, Side by Side, entertaining and thought-provoking. But above all I hope it inspires others to spend time with elder members of their own families, and to preserve their stories as the treasures they are, before the opportunity is lost. As a teacher as well, I realize that writing is daunting for many. But anyone can be a listener and a recorder. Its a matter of knowing how to get the conversation started, what questions to ask, and allowing yourself to connect. Be on the lookout for my next project, a guide for capturing and sharing the stories that matter to your family.
Until then,
Jennifer
